Metanoia
by Loverofallthingsmusic
Summary: "I am on a journey." Ziva-centric. Heavy undertones of Tiva. Post 11x02, "Past, Present, Future." Multi-chapter.
1. Chapter 1

_Metanoia _

_(Greek)_

_(n.) The journey to change one's mind, heart, self, or way of life _

* * *

I am on a journey.

It is said that a journey begins with just a single step, but has anyone thought about the steps that come after that initial leap of faith?

Many say that the first step is the hardest. In a way, that is true. It takes much courage to begin any journey. To leave your home, your friends, your family, the ones that you so dearly love behind. To go where everyone fears to go. To do what no one dares to do.

However, the hardest, most arduous steps are the ones that come in the middle. The ones where you feel as if you are suddenly skidding to a halt, or slowly slipping, sliding backwards. Moving back in the direction of the person you no longer wish to be. Voices start to fill your mind, telling you to _give up_, that _it's not worth it_._ You'll never be good enough._ _There's nothing you can do to reconcile the wrongs that you have done_.

But you must keep pushing onward. You cannot stop. You cannot allow yourself to halt, even for an instant. The second you stop, those voices will drag you down and suffocate you. They will fool you into thinking there is no hope. If there is no hope, why move on? There is nothing left.

No, you cannot rest, because to get where you want to be, you must give everything you have. Every fiber of your being must be dedicated to the journey, otherwise you will not make it. _You will fail_.

Along the way, you are allowed to cry, to mess up, to fall, to move backwards even, but failure- failure is _not_ an option. Not when the stakes are this high, when the most precious thing a person can give, their heart, is on the line.

|•|

As I watched his plane disappear into the starry sky, his last words to me echoed over and over again in my head.

"Hardest 180 of my life," he had said, right before he walked up the steps of the plane, gave a small wave, and disappeared.

As tears flowed freely down my cheeks, I vowed that I would come back to him a changed woman, a woman who had made a complete 180.

I turned around and walked away, leaving the old Ziva behind and ready to begin the journey to find the new one.

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**A/N: Hey guys! **

**I hope you liked this! This is in my #wordporn series. Although I said that most of the stories in my #wordporn series would be one-shots, I decided to try a multi-chapter fic! **

**Updates will probably be slow, because my muse is almost impossible to work with...**

**Thanks for reading! Please review! I would love to hear your thoughts! :)**


	2. Chapter 2

_Koyaanisqatsi_

_(Hopi)_

_(n.) Nature out of balance; a way of life so unbalanced that you need a new way_

* * *

I gazed at my reflection in the mirror. Who am I? What had I become?

I saw the anguished look on Abba's face, as I threw down my napkin and stormed away from the Vances' table the night he died.

My mind replayed the way Deena's face fell, a thousand emotions coming over her, as I told her I was the one who killed Ari, the one she was going to marry, the one she so dearly loved.

I saw him. Tony. The hurt look, as he realized that I was not coming back to D.C. with him, the way he covered it up with a quick laugh and sarcastic, witty comment. That final look of longing as he boarded that plane.

And I saw the eyes of everyone I had killed. Their eyes, they haunted me. In the daytime, at night...especially at night. Eyes filled with fear, anguish, pain, betrayal, defiance, and even peace.

And _me_. I was always looking over my shoulder, making sure someone wasn't following me, making sure that no one was about to pull a knife or gun on me. I slept with a gun on my nightstand, and I had four different locks on my door.

I didn't trust anybody. I wouldn't let anybody in. I was foolish and prideful and so, _so_ scared of getting hurt.

It was then when I realized I _had_ to change. If I didn't, I don't know who or what I would become. Yes, change was a must.

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**A/N: Thanks for reading! Please review :)**


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